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NerfGuy Sporkings: OD: RotS 6

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Literature Text

Sporking is in the description.

Welcome back, peoples! We got some more fail and random Japanese, and that’s all I can really say. Let’s continue!


Chapter 5: Our Time has Come

(The Dazzlings) “You’re time is running out~!”

Jou-Sama woke up to find herself in a dark dungeon of sorts.

It’s not a torture dungeon, or any standard type of dungeon. It’s a sorta dungeon. Yeah.

 "Wh-What's happening? Where am I?" She said. She noticed that her hands were chained to the wall. "What's going on?"

"Your Majesty!" A familiar voice called out to her. "Jou-Sama, daijoubu desu ka?"

Um, what? This is why Japanese is frowned upon in fanfics, especially when complete phrases are used. At least Megan fesses up about her NOT being Japanese; she uses it because she likes using it.

Random Japanese: 46

"That voice is..." Jou-Sama turned to her right to find-"Majorin?"

"Jou-Sama." Majorin said.

"Are you the real Majorin or just her Shadow?" Jou-Sama needed to be sure this wasn't a trick. The last thing she needed was to be tortured.

"Onegai shimasu, Jou-Sama, you know me." Majorin said. "I would never toy with you." Something in her tone told the Queen she was the real deal.

That, and the fact she was wearing her normal clothes.

Random Japanese: 47, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 138.

"Majorin, I just don't understand why this is happening."

"I don't understand it either."

Then they heard someone coming into the dungeon. Evil Rin appeared, her trademark smirk playing on her face. (Yes, the smirk is Evil Rin's trademark.)

Evil Rin’s smirk™ was playing solitaire since it wasn’t interested in playing with Evil Rin’s glare or nose.

But seriously, that line could’ve been done better. When did Evil Rin have a trademark smirk? Where on earth was THIS established?!

Witches Unleashed. It was the first time Megan wrote Evil Rin as a character in her fanfics. It establishes some of that character’s traits.

"Well, I hope our guests of honor have found their accomodations comfortable." Evil Rin said.

The Queen didn’t like the sound of that. She had no idea what these “accomodations” were; in fact, she was sure it was something that would be detrimental to her virginity…

"Oh absolutely lovely, considering the circumstances." Jou-Sama replied, dryly and sarcastically.

More OOCness on the Queen’s part; she is not the sarcastic type. In fact, I don’t think she ever used sarcasm, even when in her human disguise. And no, I’m not going to spoil it; you’ll have to look that up yourselves.

"Hmm, I was warned you would be quite a handful."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Majorin asked, in a sharp voice.

Quote Punctuation Fail: 140

Evil Rin ignored her as she said, "It is such a shame you're of no further use to our plans. But then I suppose it makes no difference, does it?" She pulled out a dagger with an intricately decorated handle.

Explain something to me: If Evil Rin has a dagger, why does Majorin lack one? After all, Shadows, being based on a particular person, would only have everything their counterpart has…and that’s it. Why is Evil Rin getting special treatment?

 "Do you like it? The blade is infused with pure diamond, making it near impossible to destroy. This is my most prized possession."

Actually, diamond is only the hardest substance in regards to cutting it. Strike it with a blunt weapon, and you can shatter it pretty easily. Plus, infusing a blade with diamond would literally be no different from carbonizing it, given what diamonds are made of. Then again, she’s a witch, she used her magic to make it nigh-indestructible.

"You...You can not do this to us." Jou-Sama said. She knew this Shadow was going to kill her and Majorin.

Grammatical Fail! You don’t separate “can” and “not” when writing it that way!

Also, gee, what gave you that idea, your highness? The psychotic smirk she was wearing? Or maybe it was the dark is evil outfit?

Quote Punctuation Fail: 141

"I know you don't want everything to play out like this." Evil Rin said, placing a hand on Jou-Sama's shoulder.

"Don't you dare touch her!" Majorin yelled. Evil Rin turned sharply to her. "I swear this to you, should any harm befall Her Majesty, I will-"

"You'll what?" Evil Rin said, coldly. "Why don't you just face facts, baka na majo?" (Translation: Stupid witch.)

Translations for Random Japanese in the middle of the chapter are really distracting. So what if the characters are part of a Japanese anime that, for the most part, didn’t get dubbed to English; if the fic is in English, don’t use Random Japanese!

Exception: A character who canonically speaks a different language from the rest of the cast can use gratuitous [insert language here] so long as said language is not the one the fic is written in.

Random Japanese: 48, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 144

"Face what?"

"You will never be anything more than your Queen's little servant. Her slave. You exist only to do her bidding."

"N-No! You're wrong! Why should I believe anything you say? You are not me!"

"Urusai yo!" Evil Rin slapped (More like punched) Majorin. "You are nothing. You are weak. Everything you are not, I am."

A slap is really different from a punch, Megan. The former is when you make your hand into a rough fan shape and hit someone with it. A punch is when you ball up your fist and swing it into someone. The latter is almost always the more damaging. Learn the difference!

Random Japanese: 49

"…J-Just because I don't look like much, I will protect Jou-Sama. Even at the cost of my own life. And I know Jou-Sama would do the same if she were in my position."

Yeah, keep this line in mind for a later chapter…

"HA! Do you honestly think she cares for you? !" Evil Rin pointed at Jou-Sama. "If you die, you can be easily replaced. If your Jou-Sama dies, well that's much harder. Don't you see? Your life is worth nothing to her or to any other witch!"

Ordinarily, I would make a complaint about the punctuation at the end of that first quote; you’re not really supposed to put a space in between ending punctuations, but here she has a good reason. Around the time this chapter went up, FFN was giving the middle finger to double punctuations and removing “excess” when people saved the documents.

Quote Punctuation Fail: 146

"..." Majorin turned her head away slowly. She felt her confidence beginning to shake.

"There is absolutely nothing unique about you."

"Th-That...That's not true." The red-violet witch said, very softly.

"I must be honest with you, Your Majesty." Evil Rin looked at Jou-Sama. "A witch like her? She should know her place by now, right?"

"You know nothing about her." Jou-Sama said, having heard enough. "Majorin! Onegai, don't listen to her! Whatever she said is not true! You are my friend. My best friend. I care for you, just like I care for Doremi-Chan-Tachi. Onegai, Majorin!"

It’s never stated in canon whether the Queen and Majorin are friends. In fact, Megan herself actually believes that their canon relationship is a strictly professional one and that nothing else is going on. Here, she’s applying shipping…and it arguably takes over the work.

Random Japanese, 51, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 150

Majorin was silent. That 'nothing unique' comment might have been too much for her to hear.

"I don't think there's anything you can say that would convince her otherwise." Evil Rin said.

"You're horrible." Jou-Sama said.

"You know...It almost pains me to kill such a delicate snowflake," Evil Rin held up her dagger, "but still...You'll only be an annoyance."

'No!' Jou-Sama thought. She quickly closed her eyes, thinking this was the end for her and Majorin. Although she silently hoped that the red-violet witch would snap out of her daze and try to save her, but it looked as though Majorin had slipped into a world of her own.

Just as Evil Rin was about to plunge her dagger through Jou-Sama's heart, a voice stopped her instantly.

"Evil Rin." It was Black Queen. "Put your knife away, please."

Dagger and knife are somewhat interchangeable. Evil Rin referring to it as a dagger while Black Queen referring to it as just a knife is a bit telling of just how little Black Queen respects Evil Rin.

Evil Rin turned away from Jou-Sama and did as she was told.

"Very good." Black Queen said. "Now then, I see no reason to spill her blood...yet, that is. I believe these two Light Witches have the right to know of our plans. And, after all, it's not as though they will be alive to see them set into motion, wouldn't you agree, Evil Rin?"

"Hai, Black Queen-Sama." Evil Rin dipped her head in respect. "Besides, right about now, those Shadow Ojamajos have already dealt with their own Light halves."

"D-Doremi-Chan-Tachi?" Jou-Sama said, immediately fearing the worst had already happened. "You are mad!" She shot at Black Queen.

"You may call it madness. I, however, prefer to call it genius." Black Queen said. "Evil Rin, release them and bring them into my study."

This. This here is something Megan likes applying to her OC villains. An example is Majo Isabelle; Megan confirms that she has periods of insanity that she calls “her genius”; right here, we have an accusation of madness being taken as genius by Black Queen. Coincidence?

Quote Punctuation Fail: 161, and Random Japanese: 52

"As you wish, my Queen." Evil Rin bowed in acknowledgement.


Moments later, Black Queen had taken her seat on a throne in her study.

Wait, a throne? As in, there’s more than one throne in Black Queen’s lair? And in her study too? I guess Black Queen loves thrones and can’t get enough of sitting on them.

Evil Rin, as per her ruler's orders, had brought Jou-Sama and Majorin into the room. She pushed them to the floor, forcing them to bow.

Black Queen held out the Seven Seals. "Do you know what these are, Light Queen?"

"Gold coins?" Jou-Sama questioned. She had never seen the Seven Seals of Anime in her whole life.

This is a bit brilliant; the canons don’t know about the fanmade items whatsoever because they canonically don’t exist.

"To you, yes, these appear to be ordinary coins. But to us...these are powerful relics. Evil Rin, the Book, please."

"Yes, ma'am." Evil Rin said. She presented the Book of The Shadows to Black Queen.

It’s almost like she’s aware of any lack of respect Black Queen has for her. Seriously, why is someone using “ma’am” in a Japanese setting? Is that even a proper term in Japan?

"The Book of The Shadows." Black Queen said. "Within the page of this Book, holds the key.

The key to better writing? The key to proper story planning?

 A ritual that will release us from our world and allow us to freely roam yours. With these," she showed the Seven Seals, "we will destroy the Beings of Light."

And once again, talking about being free when they can already slip away from their light halves and walk freely when THEY CAN DO THAT ALREADY! Plan stuff out, Megan!

Quote Punctuation Fail: 167, and those last two were commas where commas shouldn’t be.

"But...But darkness can not exist without light." Jou-Sama said. "If you destroy the light, then you are only destroying yourself."

"Oh, yes. The one flaw in my plans. You think I did not foresee this, hmm? Of course I know your world exists in state of eternal balance. However, with the power of the Seals, I can fix that little problem."

"Whatever we are, light or darkness, we depend upon each other." Jou-Sama said. "Surely, we can find a way to live together."

At this, Black Queen only laughed. "Together? Why don't you look at yourself?"

"What do you mean?"

"Shadows and Lights are just like humans and witches. Two realms, side-by-side, never to meet. Never to intertwine."

Naturally, the Shadow points out similarities between her kind vs her light half’s kind and humans vs witches and wizards. Of course, it was confirmed in-universe that the magical and human worlds were connected until distrust and the Witch Frog Curse forced the witches to cut off contact.

"No. I don't believe that. As the Queen of Majo Kai, I will find a way to connect our worlds. Majo Kai, Ningen Kai, Mahotsukai Kai, I will connect all of our worlds." Jou-Sama said, showing no fear.

Even though canon establishes that as impossible? The Queen herself admits that she cannot reconnect the worlds, and that it would take the next Queen (i.e. Hana) to do so. And even then, it won’t be easy because many witches still don’t trust humans.

This plot has a slight parallel to the Queen’s dream; Black Queen could very likely want to unite all worlds as well. If you recall the prologue, it was said that Shadows were “dying” or “disappearing”. Black Queen, wanting to save her kind, chooses the only way she could think of, and it happens to involve wiping out the light beings.

Of course, this is all completely lost because, y’know, Dark is Evil and Light is Good. Generic plot, much, Megan?

Black Queen remained unmoved. "Evil Rin...If you please."

Evil Rin brought out her dagger. "Who should be first, my Queen?"

"It makes no difference to me, just as long as they're out of my way."

"Then...Let's start with...you." Evil Rin said, holding her dagger against Majorin's neck. Somehow, Majorin didn't even seem to care that she was about to die. "Why don't you let me put you out of your misery?"

Quote Punctuation Fail: 173

Jou-Sama turned away. She couldn't bear to watch this.

(Jou-sama) “The OOC I’m being forced to go through is too horrible!”

But just then-

"Jou-Sama to Majorin-San wo tasukete!" The Ojamajos came in at the nick of time. Evil Rin was thrown up against a wall, causing her dagger to fall to the floor.

Aaaand we have MORE badly described action! Seriously, it looks like the Ojamajos simply shouted something and Evil Rin flew into the wall of her own accord. Seriously, what just happened?! Description is necessary, Megan!

"Doremi-Chan-Tachi!" Jou-Sama exclaimed. "Oh thank God you're all okay."

Since when did the Queen become so melodramatic? Didn’t Megan confirm that it’s Shadow Onpu who tends to be a “bit of a drama queen”?

Random Japanese: 54

"Eh?" Majorin turned to them.

"I should've known those useless Shadow Ojamajos would screw that up." Evil Rin said.

At least we have some consistency…

"So then, that's...Black Queen-Sama?" Doremi said. "Jou-Sama's Shadow?"

"So then you are the infamous Ojamajos." Black Queen said. "Well, you're not nearly as impressive as I thought." She turned to Jou-Sama as she added, "What you see in these girls I shall never know."

Classic villain arrogance. Yeah, Black Queen is definitely generic. Granted, Megan did base her off of Maleficent, but that doesn’t make her any better. In fact, Maleficent is about a thousand times better than Black Queen, hence her popularity. You can't copy a popular villain's popularity by making an expy, Megan!

"Leave Jou-Sama alone or ya got us to deal with!" Aiko yelled.

"Do you really think it's that easy? Do you really think you can stop the inevitable?"

"We're not afraid of you!" Momoko said.

"Then allow me to show you..." Black Queen said, "...what fear truly is."

Y’know, a little use of her magic would make the scene that much more nightmarish. In fact, Black Queen simply PREPARING to cast magic would’ve made it more frightening. Instead, well, yeah. Lackluster description is lackluster.

"Hold everything!" The Shadow Ojamajos arrived and they were fuming.

"WE still have unfinished business with them." Shadow Doremi said.

(Shadow Hazuki) “WE still have to make them fix this fic!”

(Shadow Pop(pu)) “WE still have some grammar to make them fix!”

Quote Punctuation Fail: 179

"Ahh, Shadow Ojamajos, what impeccable timing." Black Queen sounded rather pleased. "Now I don't have to waste my own energy on these brats."

"Brats?" Jou-Sama said. "I wouldn't expect you to understand what real friendship is! Your kind in truly

Um, what? “in truly”? That’s. Why. You. PROOFREAD!

 poisoned with your black hearts! Whatever your plot is, I will not allow this to happen!"

"Urusai!" Evil Rin shouted, kicking Jou-Sama to the floor.

"Jou-Sama!" Majorin yelled, snapping to it.

“Snapping to it”? What? *googles* Well, looks like Megan actually wrote something that makes sense for once. Although, I am certain she meant “snapping out of it."

 "I don't care what you say about me, because it's not true! Jou-Sama wa watashi ga mamoru!" She punched Evil Rin, right in the face.

Random Japanese: 55

Shadow Doremi smacked Doremi's head and snickered.

"Don't be mean to Doremi Mama!" Hana shouted, whacking Shadow Doremi with her broom.

Ordinarily, Hana is averse to fighting. However, toward the end of Dokkan, she was more than willing to use magic to get rid of the cursed brambles that were sprouting all over Misora, and she nearly got aggressive about it. Beware the Nice Ones indeed…

Shadow Hana snuck up from behind and pulled Hana's half over her head, then kicked her down.

The Shadow and Light Ojamajos were fighting and making a mess of Black Queen's study.

Being a total bore all the while!

"Paipai Ponpoi Puwapuwa Puu!" Hazuki yelled. A beam of orange sparkles hit Shadow Hazuki and Shadow Onpu.

"Oh sure. Now she decides to get a backbone." Shadow Hazuki remarked.

And she finally uses “remarked” properly! And from the resident snarker of the Shadow Ojamajos to boot!

"Take this!" Shadow Aiko pointed her poron at Aiko and tried to catch her in a snare. Unfortunately, Aiko dodged, making her Shadow trap Black Queen in a tight rope. "Dang it, I missed!"

(Wario) “D’oh, I missed!”

All of this was interferring with Black Queen's plans. In her rage, Black Queen broke free of the rope. "I've had enough of this nonsense." She said, grabbing Evil Rin's dagger off the floor.

Jou-Sama wanted to stop the fight, but how?

I know! How about some of that gamebreaker level of magic you got? It’s certainly powerful enough and- oh wait. You’re afraid Black Queen, who is nearby, will stop you. Oh well, I guess that’s justified…EXCEPT YOU CAN STOP TIME AND PROBABLY EXCLUDE HER FROM IT!

 Then, she turned around and gasped.

"STOP!" Black Queen shouted.

The fighting ceased. The Ojamajos all gasped, and Majorin had a look of horror upon her face. Black Queen held Jou-Sama and had Evil Rin's dagger against her neck.

Why she wasn’t using HER gamebreaker levels of magic was the biggest shocker…

"If any of you Light Witches take one more step or make one false move," Black Queen growled, "I silt her throat and she dies!"

"Jou-Sama!" Majorin said, but she stayed back.

Sheez, you make it sound like a shout, only to say it was “said”. Not shouted. No strong punctuations. Just a “said”. Face! Desk! Desk! Face! *slams head over desk*

"Evil Rin, Shadow Ojamajos, our time is now. Come!"

Evil Rin and the Shadow Ojamajos went up to her. Black Queen opened up a portal. While the other Shadows stepped through it, Black Queen gave a warning to our heroines, "Should any of you try to follow us...I will have her and you killed on the spot. Do you understand that?"

Quote Punctuation Fail: 183

The Ojamajos didn't dare to make a move.

(Black Queen) “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

"And you...shall be coming with me. Perhaps now we'll have no more interuptions, hmm?" Black Queen said. "And I do believe Evil Rin will have a spot of pleasure in killing you."

"Minna-San Tasukete!" Jou-Sama practically screamed as she was dragged into the portal.

And if the random Japanese is to be translated, she would be more-or-less shouting “Save me, everyone!”... damsel scrappy, much? Seriously, Megan, you’re starting to make one of your favorite character looks annoying and grating.

Random Japanese: 56, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 184

"Jou-Sama no!" Majorin shouted. The portal disappeared. "S-Sona...I couldn't save her. I couldn't stop Black Queen-Sama from taking her away from me. Masaka...Evil Rin is right? Am I just nothing? Am I really weak?"

"What are you saying?" Doremi said. "There has to be another way to save Jou-Sama!"

"D-Doremi-Chan..."

"When we saved Hana-Chan from the wizards, they thought there was no other way to save their king. But we found a way. Because we're Hana-Chan's Mamas!"

That’s not entirely accurate. The Wizards wanted Hana so they could use her magic to save their kind from extinction; they didn’t know the King had ordered it solely to have her remove the baleful polymorph on him. Had Ojijide’s plans went ahead and succeeded, there would have been a war between the few remaining Wizards and the hundreds or thousands of Witches, all to try and take some land back.

"It's not the same."

I second that. The Wizards ultimately had no real desire to cause destruction and merely wanted to survive. The Shadows are, to the characters’ knowledge, murdering psychopaths who want to take over ALL worlds.

"Demo ne, 'course it's the same." Aiko said. "You protect Jou-Sama just like we do with Hana-Chan."

Also inaccurate. The girls protect Hana like a mother protects her child. Majorin is more along the lines of a bodyguard and errand woman.

Just some more shipping on Megan’s part…

"You're Jou-Sama's lady-in-waiting." Onpu said. "It's not exactly the same, but still..."

That…is fully accurate. Majorin is the Queen’s lady-in-waiting in canon, and it is indeed not the same as a mother to her child.

"There's another way we can save her." Hazuki said.

"There's always another way!" Doremi said.

"Un un! Watashitachi makenai!" Hana said, fists in the air.

That, I have no idea what she’s saying. I can make out the first part, but the second, I have no clue. Grief…

Random Japanese: 59

"Then..." Majorin said. "I trust you girls."

Quote Punctuation Fail: 191, and I’m absolutely certain we’ll get past 200 by the end of the next chapter.

The Ojamajos looked at each other and nodded. No matter what the odds, by hook or by crook, they had to rescue Jou-Sama and put a stop to Black Queen's plans.


WOW how long has it been since I last updated this story? Well, at least you know I haven't lost interest in it. Things are really heating up, aren't they?

My blood is boiling from the bad grammar and lack of emotion…

Next chapter, it's the final battle! You won't believe what happens in this showdown!

Let’s hope it’s a pleasant surprise and not some other piece! Of course, I’ve…already read that part, and it’s where I have a LOT of complaints…


I literally have nothing to say here that I didn’t say elsewhere.

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maxjpz's avatar

"Un un! Watashitachi makenai!" Hana said, fists in the air.

That, I have no idea what she’s saying. I can make out the first part, but the second, I have no clue. Grief…

I... think she said "We can make it together", or something like that.