Deviation Actions
Yeah. I’m back, and I’m still sporking. Not counting the prologue and the stinger at the end, this fic only has seven chapters. Therefore, I’m already halfway through this! But, of course, I still have to endure the bad planning and lackluster narrative.
Chapter 4: The Real Danger
Of particularly poor planning.
Back in the Witch World, the trouble hadn't even begun.
Since Evil Rin had captured the real Majorin, she had to take her place. And she did not like this part of the plan.
Given how it entails beginning a sentence with a conjunction. Naturally, she’s annoyed.
'I still don't see why I have to take the place of that little-' She thought, but Black Queen cut her off.
'Relax. Everything is moving in our favor.' Black Queen said. 'She won't be able to do anything once she realizes you're not her little servant.'
Quote Punctuation Fail: 112
This is interesting. Black Queen just showed herself as having a more down-to-earth personality. Then again, it can actually be justified since the Queen of the Witch World herself is quite down to earth.
'Yes.' Evil Rin followed her orders without question. 'I'm at her room.'
'Good. Now remember, do not tell her straight out. Once she sees what you really are, I will handle the rest.'
'I understand.'
With that note said, Black Queen and Evil Rin broke off their telepathy.
It was found on the floor and picked up by some other troublemaking Shadow.
Evil Rin knocked on the door of the Queen's room.
"Come in." Jou-Sama said, and Evil Rin entered. "Ara, Majorin,
(Jou-sama) “Why are you wearing black, gray, and silver clothing?”
(Evil RIn) ‘Busted already. I knew Black Queen should’ve given me a better disguise!’
Quote Punctuation Fail: 114, and Random Japanese: 35
Megan has confirmed via outside material that Black Queen and Evil Rin both look like their counterparts in every way, including color scheme. Only moonlight and darkness reveal their true forms. Personally, I don’t think that’s a good idea, especially when you fail to describe it in-fic. However, I’ll just let the readers make an opinion for themselves.
I've been expecting you. Have you been having any luck in the library?"
"To an extent... Your Majesty." Evil Rin said.
(Evil Rin) “What were my orders, again?”
(Jou-sama) “I forget. This fic didn’t elaborate, either.”
Quote Punctuation Fail: 115
'God, I can't believe she and Black Queen are practically the same in power.'
"So I see. You haven't found anything yet."
"Precisly."
“Precisly”? What does that mean? *googles* Oh, she meant “precisely”…great, now I’m getting flashbacks to Ratatoing…and Patch’s London Adventure. No complaints on the latter.
Something didn't seem right to the Queen. There was something strange, something almost sinister.
It’s the new outfit, isn’t it? I always knew Dark is Evil!
"Is there something wrong, Jou-Sama?" Evil Rin asked. There was a tiny smirk on her face, and Jou-Sama couldn't see that.
She was too busy eyeing “Majorin’s” dark new outfit with suspicion.
"I'm not sure." Jou-Sama said. "I can feel it. There's something very... different about you, Majorin."
"Hountou ni? You really think that?"
Random Japanese: 36
Being one of the most powerful witches in the entire Majo Kai, Jou-Sama had a type of sixth sense about these things.
Since when?! This was never brought up in canon! And it certainly wasn’t brought up until now, either!
Cautiously, she stepped closer to Evil Rin. "Well..." she was still quite hesitant.
"I assure you, Your Majesty. You have no need to fear me." Evil Rin said. "Have I ever given you a reason not to trust me?"
(Jou-sama) “Your new outfit just did.”
Quote Punctuation Fail: 119
That's when the light shining through the room's window revealed it: This Majorin did not have a shadow. Most witches have heard stories about Shadow taking on life of their own, but these beings have never been seen before and therefore their existence was dismissed as nothing but an ordinary ghost story.
Classic cliché number I-have-no-clue. Considering this setting has a case of All Myths are True, you’d expect at least the Queen, let alone countless Witches, to take stories of Shadows coming to life more seriously. Also, Megan, you forgot to pluralize “Shadow” in that paragraph.
"You are not Majorin." Jou-Sama said.
"Nani?"
"I can see that you do not have a shadow. What are you?"
Evil Rin let out an evil chuckle, "So I see you are not as dull as you seem."
If the Queen were as dull as Evil Rin implied, then Majo Kai would’ve collapsed before the end of the first DECADE of her rule.
"What have you done to Majorin, you imposter?" Jou-Sama asked.
"Technically speaking," Evil Rin said, "I am Majorin."
Well, well, well. Looks like Megan has decided to improve some more here. Let’s see how long this lasts…again!
"And what could you possibly mean by that?"
"I am her Shadow. I am a part of her. I always have been."
"I ask you again. What have you done to Majorin?" Jou-Sama demanded.
"She's gone, I'm afraid." Evil Rin said, walking towards Jou-Sama. "It's just too bad. I expected her to put up more of a fight. You, on the other hand, may be a bit more... feisty, I should say."
Why do I even bother hoping?
However, we do see something else of Evil Rin’s personality and what Megan has confirmed of her.
"You... You can't be real." Jou-Sama backed away. "You're nothing but a Shadow upon the wall. This... this is not-"
"Not possible?" A different voice said.
A chill ran down the Queen's back. She slowly turned around to find her own Shadow coming to life. Black Queen and Jou-Sama now met face-to-face.
"What's wrong? Did you ever consider the fact that the most powerful witch in all of Majo Kai could possibly have a darker side?" Black Queen said, almost tauntingly.
Jou-Sama started to shake a little.
Here, the Queen is out of character. I don’t know why, but Megan just seems to enjoy portraying her as a helpless damsel in distress. I guess it’s to make it easier to get her with whichever character she wants to ship her with?
In her now-lost forever fic, Ojamajo Princess, Megan did this so her self-insertion could begin making the Queen like her. She did all of this derailment…DESPITE CONFIRMING THAT MAJORIN AND THE QUEEN ARE HER FAVORITE TWO CHARACTERS IN ALL OF OJAMAJO DOREMI! Seriously, you don't go around dragging your favorite characters through the mud just to make them like your mary sue OC! Also, in said lost forever fic, she had her self-insert literally get up in Majorin's face and ORDER her to change her personality from the stoicisim she had in canon to something more open. You don't do that, even if the result would make them better. Good grief, Megan! Show some respect for your favorite characters, for goodness sake!
"Oh what's this? Afraid, are we?" Black Queen chuckled. "It's quite extraordinary, isn't it? You and I look exactly alike, but we are not the same.
(Black Queen) “I’m vastly less developed, I have a darker and sexier outfit, I’m a tyrant, and I want to rule the world! What do you have going for you?”
When it comes down to power, I have the upper hand."
"You are not real." Jou-Sama said.
Makes sense, considering that this is a fanfic.
Quote Punctuation Fail: 124
"Believe me. I am as real as you are. I always have been. As with all of us."
"You... are not... real."
"Evil Rin... Take her."
"Hai, Black Queen-Sama." Evil Rin grabbed Jou-Sama and began to drag her into the darkness.
Random Japanese: 37
"Let me go!" Jou-Sama started to struggle in Evil Rin's hold, but it was no use. "Let me go!"
"Fighting will do you no good." Black Queen said. "Besides, with you, my other prisoner won't be so lonely."
(Black Queen) "You'll have all the time in the world to fulfill the author's wishes down there!"
Quote Punctuation Fail: 126
"KYAH~!"
The battle between the Light and Shadow Ojamajos raged on.
"Pomeraku Raraku Laliloli Poppun!" Aiko shouted, firing a blast of magic.
Her Shadow evaded the attack.
Considering how long it takes to actually cast the spell, the Shadow Ojamajos would EASILY have enough time to ready a dodge.
Also, the girls would’ve had to say what they were trying to conjure, or it won’t work. That would include a blast of magic.
"Not bad. Let's see how you handle this!" Shadow Aiko struck back.
"Dang," Aiko said, "This is gonna be tougher than we thought."
Uh, hello? Any description on what the blast did? Besides simply “blasting Aiko away”? Hello, come on!
"It's like those Shadows copy our every move." Momoko said.
"No! Our magic is ten-times better than yours!" Shadow Momoko said, then blasted Momoko away.
Megan has confirmed to me that the Shadow Ojamajos do not need to shout Magical Incantations to cast their magic. Also, they don’t need to recharge their porons. Compare in canon where the girls are almost always required to say said incantation and have to recharge their porons when they run out of magic. Therefore, Shadow Momoko’s statement there is…pretty accurate, in fact.
"Momo-Chan!" Aiko flew after her.
"Pirika Pirilala Popolina Peperuto~!" Doremi yelled.
"Pippito Puurito Puritan Peperuto~!" Poppu yelled.
The two sisters attacked together for a double blast, blowing their Shadows away.
(Piccolo) “DOOOOOODGE!”
(I totally suck at fight scenes, but oh well, I'm trying!)
More internal notes?! And when you read the fic itself and not just this sporking, it’ll be EXTREMELY blatant.
As for the note itself, I guess that explains why the fight scenes are so badly described. Then you look at the reviews it has on ffn and you’ll see that someone GAVE TIPS ON HOW TO WRITE FIGHT SCENES…TIPS THAT MEGAN DIDN’T BOTHER USING!
"Whoa!" Shadow Poppu exclaimed.
"I'm not impressed." Shadow Doremi said. She counterattacked at Doremi.
For once, a robotic-sounding line fits.
Quote Punctuation Fail: 127
"Majo Rika!" Hazuki screamed, flying away.
"Come back here and try to put up a fight!" Shadow Hazuki chased her.
And Shadow Hana was chasing after Hana.
She wanted to punish Megan's lackluster writing style for starting yet another sentence with a conjunction.
"Waaaaaa~! Leave Hana-Chan alone!" Hana yelled.
"Take that! And that!" Shadow Hana threw magical balls at Hana. One of them knocked Hana off her broomstick!
"Pururun Purun Famifami Faa!" Onpu said. "Hana-Chan wo tasukete!" In a swirl of purple music notes, Hana was placed back on her broom in the nick of time.
Random Japanese: 38, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 128
How high are they up again? Last chapter said they were in the clouds, but the lack of description implies they could be anywhere.
I guess Onpu saved Hana from slamming into a cloud that would likely let her fall past it… Okay, scratch that last one; it would’ve hidden Hana if she did and would’ve made it more likely for her to go splat on the ground.
"Arigato, Onpu Mama." Hana said.
Random Japanese: 39
"Oh how sweet." Shadow Onpu said, sarcastically. Then she blasted the two of them.
"Nice shot." Shadow Hana said.
The lack of enthusiasm makes it look deadpan.
"Minna, what are we gonna do?" Doremi looked at her friends.
Random Japanese: 40
"They throw back anything we use on them." Momoko said.
"Maybe not." Hazuki said.
"One shot, Minna." Aiko said.
Quote Punctuation Fail: 134, and Random Japanese: 41
They all looked at each other and nodded.
They were going to make their final moments…enjoyable.
"Pirika Pirilala Nobiyakani!"
"Paipai Ponpoi Shinayakani!
"Pomeraku Raraku Takarakani!"
"Pururun Purun Suzuyakani!"
"Peruton Petton Sawayakani!"
"Pippito Puurito Hogarakani!"
"Pororin Pyuarin Hanahana Pii!"
"MAGICAL STAGE!"
"Oh that's not good." Shadow Doremi said.
(Shadow Doremi) “We can take this time to hit them with our own- oh wait. We waited too long like idiots.”
A bright light blinded them for a moment. When the light faded, the Shadow Ojamajos were locked up in a giant jar.
Which is presumably still high in the air and is now falling to the ground. Well, that’s one way to deal with the Shadow Ojamajos for the rest of the fic. Consistency and description, Megan! CONSISTENCY AND DESCRIPTION!
"Why you little Oja-" Shadow Aiko yelled, banging on the side of the glass.
"Shadow Ai-Chan, there is no call for bad language!" Shadow Hazuki snapped.
(Shadow Aiko) “What? I was just calling them ‘Ojamajos’, sheez!”
"So what was that about being better than us?" Momoko smirked.
"Anyway, you're too late!" Shadow Onpu said.
"What do you mean 'too late'?" Hazuki said.
Shadow Doremi snickered, "This was all just a ploy to keep you busy here."
"Nani yo?" Poppu said.
"By now, Black Queen-Sama has already dealt with the light Queen." Shadow Poppu said.
Random Japanese: 43, and Quote Punctuation Fail: 135
"What are they talking about?" Onpu said.
"Matte... Black Queen-Sama... must be..." Aiko said.
"Jou-Sama's Shadow!" Hana exclaimed.
That line would have been better with a different character. Even more proof that Megan isn’t characterizing the girls right.
Random Japanese: 45
"So that means..." Momoko said.
"Jou-Sama's in danger!" The Ojamajos exclaimed. They flew off to the rescue, but would they be too late, like their Shadows said?
"Come on! We gotta get outta this freakin' jar!" Shadow Aiko said, only she didn't use "Freakin'".
This is another complaint I have with Megan’s portrayal of Shadow Aiko. This is a very clumsy way to censor language. That, and the Japanese language actually doesn’t have swear words, so censoring words in any way really isn’t necessary.
"We're one step ahead of you." Shadow Hazuki said.
Oh boy, another new chapter! I can hardly stand the suspense!
What suspense? You spoiling everything at the end of each chapter kinda ruins it.
Next up, things are gonna get even more interesting. So stay sharp!
I wish…
She promised a showdown between the Ojamajos and Shadow Ojamajos. I wouldn’t call that a showdown, based on how badly described it was and that it came off more as a skirmish than anything else. Yeesh!
The actual story can be read here. It has a TvTropes page here.