NerfGuy Sporkings: OD: RotS 4

Chapter 3: Shadow Ojamajos! First Strike!

Okay, the fight itself was spoiled, but it wasn’t said who struck first, though that fact can be quite obvious given Villains Act, Heroes React.

Weeks went by, without any activity from the Shadows.

Remember last chapter, when Evil Rin said her light half was on the verge of finding the Book of Shadows? If that were really the case, then why ON EARTH has it taken her WEEKS to find the thing?!

Evil Rin had been keeping a close watch on her own light half, waiting, waiting for the Book of The Shadows to come into her hands. And finally, it happened.

Another sentence that begins with a conjunction. Just what the Evil Comma Splice Lady wants.

Majorin (Who we know is Evil Rin's light half)

Internal notes? Really? Do you NEED to remind your readers? It could probably slide if it took a long while to update, but it shouldn’t be done, regardless. The vast majority of your readers aren’t goldfish!

was inside the palace library, on orders from the Queen.

And we never find out what these orders are. That’s…quite a wasted plot right there. Didn’t notice that ‘til now.

While she was looking through the numerous book shelves, she came across a black book.

"Hmm? What's this?" Curious as to this book, Majorin took it off the shelf. "A black book?" The red-violet witch began to flip through it's pages.

The pages were filled with grammar tests.

Unknowing, Evil Rin was still watching her every move. 'She finally found the Book. Took her long enough.' She thought.

Wait a minute! That wording…Megan, are you implying that Evil Rin DIDN’T KNOW she was watching Majorin? Also, Quote Punctuation Fail: 88.

The information in the black book was puzzling,

Majorin apparently never took grammar tests like these.

and Majorin knew the Queen would be very interested in what this book had to say. "Jou-Sama needs to know about this." Majorin said to herself. She jumped down from a high shelf (Yes, the Book of The Shadows was on a very high shelf.)

That could’ve been meshed better. Lazy writing…

 and headed out of the library.

'Well, not if I have anything to say about that.' Evil Rin knew the moment was right here and right now. But before she could even lay a finger on her light half, Black Queen had to know the Book had appeared at last.

Why they had to let the good guys find it is anyone’s guess. Seriously, why couldn’t the Shadows have tried finding it themselves? They could obviously do a better job and all! Hey, Megan! Some in-fic explanation would be appreciated!

Evil Rin and Black Queen communicate through a type of telepathy. This way, Evil Rin had no need to sneak off to give her ruler the good news. (It's good for them, but bad for us.)

And…what? Where on earth did telepathy come from?! Why wasn’t this mentioned earlier?! And what’s with the little note at the end? Ugh, this is really starting to reek of poor planning…

In their own realm of existence, Black Queen held seven gold coins in her hand.

And where did THESE come from?! Seriously, no explanation! Oh wait, they were mentioned in another fic of hers, Witches Unleashed, which is a ripoff of Sonic Unleashed. So…these items are obviously based off of the Chaos Emeralds?

Each coin had a different symbol on it. One had the royal symbol of Majo Kai. Another had a hedgehog symbol. Black Queen knew them as the Seven Seals of Anime.

Okay, time for a bit of elaboration: Megan confirmed to me that each Seal had a different symbol on it that represented a different anime. However, the one with the hedgehog, Sonic, didn’t start off as an anime, so it really shouldn’t be used. Next, this is just an excuse for Megan to reference her favorite animes in a fic that has nothing to do with them otherwise. Personally, I’d rather just drop the anime tidbit and just refer to them as something else.

Megan has also revealed to me exactly which seals had which symbols and what each represents. I will not reveal them since they have yet to be revealed by her in a fic; you would have to ask her, but good luck getting a question to her nowadays.

They are sacred coins representing different realms of the Light Beings. Shadows live in disconnected realms. The Seven Seals had the power to free the Shadows from every realm.

Wait, “had”? As in “used to have”? Get your tenses right, for goodness sake!

And all they needed now was their book.

Which I swear would point out grammatical errors at every turn…

 And they needed it before the Light Beings discovered it and all it's secrets.

SO, Megan has pretty much mastered “your” and “you’re”, but she has not mastered “its” and “it’s”? That’s one way to fail language arts…

'I must hold my patience. But I know it. Soon... We will be free.' Black Queen thought. She would've stayed in her reverie even longer, until she heard Evil Rin's voice.

That’s another tidbit I have trouble swallowing. Why do the Shadows need to be free when they can simply and easily slip away from their light halves at will?

I personally called Megan out on this, and she confessed that she didn’t exactly think that through. Her solution? Give them another power that pretty much does nothing to solve the problem…and it’s something that was established in the fic too! WHY?!

'Black Queen-Sama, I have news." Evil Rin said. Remember what I said before, it's through telepathy.

Megan must really think the readers are goldfish…Either that, or she doesn’t have too good of a memory.

'What is it?'

"Our Book has appeared."

This pleased the Shadow Queen.

Is that a reference to Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door? Intentional or no, it would still be a viable title for the Big Bad.

She held the Seven Seals tightly in her hand. 'Excellent. Evil Rin, your orders are to intercept your light half. Bring her and the Book to me.'

Quote Punctuation Fail: 90.

'And the Light Queen?' Evil Rin asked.

'I assure you, Evil Rin. I have plans for her.' Oh, yes indeed, Black Queen had big plans for her own light half. 'And while you carry out your orders, I do believe the Shadow Ojamajos have a right to know what is happening.'

'But of course.'

'Now go. You know what to do.'

'With pleasure, Black Queen-Sama.'

You can probably guess that soon, there will be a showdown between Light and Shadow Ojamajos. But before I get into that...

Was that little tidbit even necessary?

Majorin continued down the halls of the palace, the Book of The Shadows in her hand. The only thing is... ... Why... did she have the strangest feeling she was being followed? Had a thief broken into the palace? She stopped for a moment. Right behind her, her Shadow had, I suppose you would say,

Decided to make more second person narration?

materialized from the darkness. Majorin slowly turned around to see her Dark half, who looked like her in every way, but like with all Shadows, major differences in color and attitude.

That sentence could’ve been structured differently.

"Boo!" Evil Rin said.

Majorin tilted her head to the side and said, "Is that really supposed to scare me?"

Majorin had very little characterization in canon and remained quiet and stoic throughout. She does express emotion every now and then, but her job would entail her to remain professional. This line of hers maintains that characterization.

"No, not really!" Evil Rin snapped.

Umad, Evil Rin? *trollface*

She then performed her special ability. She slipped into the darkness and disappeared from sight. This is an ability shared by all Shadows.

Then why did you call it “her” special ability?

But the only way they can pull it off is if they step into another Light Being's shadow, the shadow of an inanimate object, or if they are already in darkness.

"What is this?" Majorin looked around. "Where are you? Show yourself, you copycat!"

Aaaand, we have Megan derailing Majorin. She would NEVER use childish insults such as that, even against an evil copy.

And let the record show that Shadows are much more sophisticated than copycats.

"But this is!" Evil Rin jumped out from behind and grabbed Majorin. She began to drag her light half into the darkness.

Umm…that quote was…random? Seriously, where does that even fit? HOW does that even fit?

"Let me go!" Majorin demanded.

And for once, we have something other than “said”. And it’s used properly, too!

"You've discovered something my Queen wants." Evil Rin said, with a slight dark tone. "And I have orders to bring it and you back to her."

Quote Punctuation Fail: 92

"What are you?"

"Why, that's for me to know and you to find out." Evil Rin let out a sinister chuckle as she went back into the darkness.

"No~!" And it was too late. Majorin was gone.

And back in Misora, trouble was already beginning to brew.

Everyone was starting sentences with conjunctions.

Shadow Doremi had reached the end of her rope.

And promptly cut a rope cut.

How much longer would she have to wait? How much longer was she supposed to suffer like this? But finally... Shadow Doremi snapped. 'That's it! I can't take this anymore!' She exclaimed.

'Shadow Doremi-Chan, what do you think you're doing?' Shadow Hazuki said.

'I am taking Light Doremi down and you can't stop me!'

'You know why you can't do that!' Shadow Aiko said. 'And you'll be in even bigger trouble.'

'Forget what Black Queen-Sama says.' Shadow Doremi snapped out. 'If I have to wait for orders for one more second, I will kill myself!'

“Snapped out”? Googled, found it meant “high on painkillers”. Wait, Shadow Doremi is a drug addict? …that’s disturbing.

Also, Quote Punctuation Fail: 95, and Random Japanese: 25.

'Oh we can't have that, can we now, Shadow Doremi?' Black Queen's voice came into the conversation.

Hold the phone! Didn’t the narrative say that only Black Queen and Evil Rin could speak to each other via telepathy? HAVE SOME PLANNING, SHEEZ!

'Black Queen-Sama! I-I-I wasn't gonna do anything! I swear!' Shadow Doremi said. She was ready to beg for mercy.

'Calm yourself. Shadow Ojamajos, I bring you good news.'

'Then... Does this mean...?' Shadow Momoko said.

Pretty sure that line would’ve worked better for Shadow Doremi.

'Yes. Keep your Light Halves busy here in Misora. I have important business in the Witches's Realm.' Black Queen said.

“Witches’s”? Serious grammar fail, right there. Speaking of, Quote Punctuation Fail: 96

'We understand.' The Shadow Ojamajos said.

But the real Ojamajos hadn't even noticed their Shadows'

...mocking of the author for using so many sentences that begin with conjunctions in the narrative.

conversation. Now their waiting was over. It didn't even matter if any light beings heard them. It was time to stir up some trouble, time to cause some mischief. The Shadow Ojamajos looked at each other and they all let out evil laughs. The real Ojamajos froze upon hearing this laughter.

"Th-There's that sound again!" Doremi said.

"Where is it coming from?" Momoko looked around.

"Who's doing that noise?" Hazuki asked.

(Aiko) “They sound like the cute giggling of girls our age!”

"I hope you girls are ready for this." Shadow Aiko said.

"Because we are!" Shadow Hana added in a sing-song voice.

That didn’t sound “sing-song”. Then again, how do you make a sentence read in a “sing-song” manner?

The Shadow Ojamajos materialized in Maho Dou. The real Ojamajos stared at this sight and started getting scared. Even though they did deal with the supernatural everyday,

Not really. They don’t even use magic on a daily basis, even when working in the shop.

this was something they didn't see on any given day.

"Who are you?!" Aiko demanded.

Weren’t you scared a little while ago? Then again, this would be in-character for Aiko, so no complaints.

"We're you. Only we're better." Shadow Aiko smirked.

"But you look just like us," Onpu said, "except with darker colors."

"Ugh, enough with this chit-chat." Shadow Onpu said.

Shadow Onpu gets some more useful characterization as the no-nonsense type.

Also, called it. Quote Punctuation Fail: 100.

"I hope you can fight better than you can make those silly bracelets." Shadow Momoko said.

"Fight?" Hazuki said.

Y’know, you could’ve put a bit more hesitation in Hazuki’s voice, Megan! Like say “Um, f-fight?”

"I get first crack at them." Shadow Doremi cracked her knuckles. She then jumped up and landed in front of Doremi and tried to land a punch on her. Luckily, Doremi dodged the punches.

That’s it? That’s kinda boring, y’know.

Shadow Aiko took Aiko by surprise, but Aiko managed to land a few hits here and there.

"Ney ney, we don't have to fight!" Hana said. Maybe she could try and reason with the Shadow Ojamajos. "We can be friends, can't we? Tomodachi?"

Naturally, Hana is the type who would prefer to avoid fighting. That, and she’s just naïve enough to believe that an offer of friendship would solve conflicts like these. In a white and gray morality setting like in canon, it could work after a while, but this isn’t really white and gray.

Random Japanese: 27

"What makes you think we wanna be friends with light beings?!" Shadow Hana yelled. She then slapped the real Hana, and very hard.

It’s obviously black and white. And these two contrast almost as well as the Queen and Black Queen.

"Waa~! Hidoi! Hidoi yo!" Hana started crying.

The girls are a bit out of character right here. Anyone who lays a hand on Hana like that WILL incite the wrath of the girls. Yes, that includes Hazuki.

But I digress, I’m going to count that as three more Random Japanese.

"KYAH! Majo Rika, Majo Rika, Majo Rika, Majo Rika, Majo Rika, Majo Rika, Majo Rika!" Hazuki ran away screaming.

"Oh she is so embarrassing." Shadow Hazuki sweatdropped. "My light half gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, 'Afraid of your own shadow'."

So, you’re implying…Okay nevermind. This is actually pretty brilliant!

The real Ojamajos felt themselves being backed into a corner.

After only a few seconds of poorly-described “fighting”.

"What are we gonna do?" Momoko said.

"There's only one thing we can do." Onpu said.

"Minna, henshin yo!" Doremi yelled out.

Are you dumb? Are you proving the Shadows right?

Random Japanese: 31

The girls whipped out their taps and transformed.

Yep, they’re that dumb. Especially since transformation is NOT a free action in canon. Seriously, they may as well have glued wooden “kick me” signs to their heads and stood perfectly still!

"Pretti Witchi Doremi-Chi!"

"Pretti Witchi Hazuki-Chi!"

"Pretti Witchi Aiko-Chi!"

"Pretti Witchi Onpu-Chi!"

"Pretti Witchi Momoko-Chi!"

"Pretti Witchi Hana-Chan-Chi!"

Aaaand, the Shadow Ojamajos just let them transform.

"Catch us if you can!" The real Ojamajos hightailed it out of Maho Dou on their brooms.

"So that's how they wanna play." Shadow Aiko said.

The Shadow Ojamajos smirked and nodded.

Building up on the last few spork lines, I guess they just let them transform because they were confident that they could win? It’s badly done anyway, so who cares?

"Minna, how are we supposed to fight our own shadows?" Doremi said.

"But how can shadows come alive in the first place?" Momoko said.

"Maybe we should ask Jou-Sama. She can help us, can't she?" Onpu said.

"Right. Then we have to find a way into Majo Kai and fast." Aiko said.

It’s never said if the moon is smiling or not. After all, that’s typically how the girls are able to get into Majo Kai in the first place. And one episode has them getting in in the middle of the day because the moon was full and visible in the daytime sky.

"Minna!" Poppu suddenly came in on her broom. She was freaking out.

"Poppu! What's wrong?" Doremi asked.

"Doremi, it was so scary!" Poppu said. "My shadow suddenly-"

"We know. The same thing happened to us."

"Why? Why is this happening?" Hana said.

That should be "asked" or "inquired" or something else tha refers to questions, not “said”. Good grief…

"I wish we knew, Hana-Chan." Hazuki said.

"But we have to do something." Momoko said.

That's when a beam of magic nearly knocked Aiko out of the air.

"Ai-Chan!" The girls exclaimed.

"Daijoubu?!" Momoko asked.

Random Japanese: 34. …Okay, the last tidbit of Random Japanese in this chapter, and it indirectly references R34.

"Y-Yeah. I'm fine." Aiko said.

Behind them, the Shadow Ojamajos were flying in. They had also transformed into witch apprentice uniforms.

And we don’t really know what they look like aside from having the same uniform style with darker colors. Megan did upload a picture of them, but she had chosen to be lazy and simply downloaded a line art and colored it in.

Think about it: The Shadow Ojamajos are only one half of the real Ojamajos. Anything the real ones can do, the Shadows can do as well.

Uh, yeah! Thank you for the third time, Captain Obvious!

"Come on and fight, Light Witches!" Shadow Doremi yelled.

"It's no use flying away." Shadow Onpu said.

It’s funny. Shadow Doremi is the one emoting the most here while Shadow Onpu is being a real bore!

"Well then... ... ..." Doremi looked at her friends. "Minna, what do you say?"

"If it's a fight they want... It's a fight they're gonna get." Aiko said, bringing out her poron.

Quote Grammatical Fail: 110.

It was time to take this fight to the clouds. The Ojamajos stared their Shadows down, their porons ready.

It was a staring contest of epic proportions!

 Dramatic music started playing in the background.

Um, where at in the background? And what music was it? Justice and an Edge? And yes, I was listening to that song while sporking.

Well, since this was going to be like a real showdown, you need dramatic background music, readers!

Not really. Because. It’s a written work on ffn, and a written work on ffn is NOT a good place to put music, especially since you can’t really link to the music in question.

Then, both teams flew into each other and the fight began.

Yay! Another new chapter! Next chapter we'll get to see some more action and fighting. Plus, Black Queen and Jou-Sama meet face-to-face.

The chapter where the fight begins, and it’s already looking to be a bore. That’s all I can really say on it. Also, a reviewer once asked if she was going to use other canon characters such as Kotake, Yada, etc. If you were expecting those characters, prepare for disappointment.

The actual story can be read here. It has a TvTropes page here.